Unlocking Success in Dating

The Power of Self-Awareness

According to a study by psychologist Tasha Eurich, 95% of people think they are self-aware, but only 10–15% actually are. This study also found that self-aware people perform better at work, get more promotions, and I’m guessing, have more success on dating apps. 

Modern dating is a tough market, but if you’re self-aware of your strengths and know how to highlight them, that'll set you apart from the sea of average profiles. Trust me, as a professional dating coach I’ve helped over 150 clients, 99% of which are men, step up their game. You don’t need to be a “perfect 10”, just put a decent amount of effort into presenting yourself both in photos and in writing. Most failures in dating come from putting your efforts in the wrong place, such as… 

• swiping until you run out of people

• paying for premium spotlights or boosts

• copying a prompt you found online

• paying for a cheesy photoshoot from HeySaturday

To get results, you can't take shortcuts. The work must be done from the bottom up and if you follow this guide (either solo or with my expertise) - I promise you’ll see a difference in your dating life. Most of my coaching clients are unaware of how they’re seen from a woman’s eyes and think they’re just fine as they are, yet wonder why they’re not getting any matches.

1. What are My Strengths? Physical, Social, and Intellectual

a. Physical

Not how ripped you are, how well do you take care of yourself? Because if you can't take care of yourself how can you take care of a partner.

For men: a good haircut, groomed beard, properly fitted clothes, and dressing for the occasion.

In my experience as a dating coach, most men haven’t developed their own sense of style and still buy clothes similar to how they were dressed as teenagers by their mothers. If your 10 year old self was wearing the same outfit as you do now, then it’s time to update your closet to match your maturity. Humans are visual creatures, if people swiping can't see what you'd look like on a nice date because your profile only shows you in athleisure wear, then it’s hard to swipe right.

b. Social

Refers not only to your community and friends, but your social class. People date within their social class and can be directly communicated by your stats aka the college you went to, town you grew up in, where you work. Your social class is also coded from how you’re dressed and the setting of your photos. The bottom line is there’s no point in lying but always put your best foot forward. You can include or omit some of that information for your benefit.

In Marie Bergström’s book The New Laws of Love: Online Dating and the Privatization of Intimacy, she notes that dating app users often unconsciously filter out users from different social classes. A user’s profile, Bergström explains, often conveys class status in coded ways.

You’ll likely need a third-party opinion to assess how your social class is presented and how to position yourself in the classiest way possible.

Research published in 2019 found that most people tend to choose partners who are similar to them, a pattern called “assortative mating”. 45% of upper-class participants in this 2017 survey said they would not even consider entering into a long-term relationship with someone from a different social class.

c. Intellectual

Intellect isn't simply about how many degrees you have or what genre of books you read. You could have those credentials on paper and still not be the right intellectual match. What your matches are looking for is someone that’s equal in mind and conversation, which is first assessed in your profile bio or prompts. Your writing showcases your intellect and each person has a distinctive voice. You can tell so much about a person by how they talk, so if your Hinge or Bumble prompts are one-worded or copied from someone else’s profile, that completely hides your intellect.

2. How are My Traits Being Portrayed and Perceived

People are looking for matches with similar values. We’ve all seen this answer in profiles: “I’m looking for someone who is funny, confident, and ambitious”. To attract a partner with those values, you must exhibit traits that represent those values. NOT  by asking for them like you’re telling Santa your Christmas wishlist. Figure out what values are most integral to your life and match that with your photos and anecdotes to show those traits.

Traits That Can Be Photographed

Affection

Show that you’re loving in a photo with your friends, family, or pets.

Positivity

Show your happiness in your smile and body language. 

Energetic

Show you're outgoing doing an activity, which could be cooking, woodworking, walking outside. You don't have to be a pro athlete catching a ball to prove you're energetic.

Silly

Show yourself doing outrageous poses or making funny faces in public, that's a sign that you're goofy, confident, and don’t take yourself too seriously.

Traits That Can’t Be Photographed (and Prompt Examples)

Ambition

I’m most proud of… growing my business and retiring my parents.

Honesty

Please respect that… I’m a homebody that needs minimum 4 hours of screen time a night to recharge.

Traits That are Commonly Portrayed

Vain

When all your photos are solo selfies, that could indicate that you’re obsessed with how you look or that you’re too shy to ask someone to take their photos. If you're not outgoing where you have friends taking photos, that signals a serious lack of confidence and that you might not have friends. Either way, a huge red flag.

Lazy and/or Boring

Using generic, unoriginal prompts that you copied from someone else signals that you're not only lazy, but also unwilling to put in the effort to share who you truly are. Being vulnerable enough to share details about who you are is the best signal that you're emotionally available and ready to open up in dating. 

3. How Do I Stand Against The Competition

In order to win in the competitive battleground of courtship, you have to have an edge over your competition. You don't have to come in first place, just simply be better than the average guy in your area. Unless you have friends of the opposite gender who are willing to show you their Hinge feed or create a fake account, it’s hard to see who you’re up against. 

The quality of profiles is usually higher in big cities - NY, LA, SF, SEA and lower the more suburban or rural you go. The quality of those individuals might be the same, but how those people present themselves is usually more polished. 

Why a dating coach can change your love life

Because you'll learn how you’re being perceived by strangers on the apps and professional guidance on how to craft the perfect profile for YOU. Even if you ask your friends and family for advice, they either can't or won’t tell you the truth. They’re too close to you to see you from an impartial lens.