Dating app FAQ

Answers to all your questions about using the dating apps, online profiles, and turning conversations to dates.

Advice is applicable to all dating apps - Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, eHarmony, Match, etc.

I’m not getting matches! What’s wrong?

There’s no simple answer - a combination of being disliked by the algorithm, having a low quality profile, or not being in the top 20% of the attractive population. If there’s something unusual going on, then let’s investigate and fix the problem. Book a session with me to diagnose what’s wrong.

Is my profile bad?

Probably. Most profiles are average, but that doesn’t mean yours has to be. There are countless articles on what works on profiles and what doesn’t. Most people don’t just magically create a good profile, let alone one that stands out from the crowd. It takes effort to figure out who you are and what to present. There’s also a good chance you will have to take some new photos if you don’t have an ongoing collection.

If you’ve never reflected on how to make your profile unique - instead you dreaded putting your profile together and got it over with quickly, then it’s likely you have a bad profile.

I’m getting matches but not dates. Why?

Most matches won’t turn into dates. Hell, most won’t even turn into good conversations. All in all, you should be able to convert 10-20% of your matches, and well over 50% of your good conversations, to dates. If you’re not getting dates, you’re probably doing one of these things:

Most Likely Reasons

You’re coming off as boring - This isn’t a work message, nobody wants water cooler talk at the bar. Off the bat, show that you’re attracted to them physically or personality wise.

Too much, too soon - Keep to one topic at a time, if there’s multiple questions only answer one. It’s easy for the conversation to build to multiple topics (how’s your weekend, what’s your dog’s name, work). Leave room to be desired, don’t always reply right away and don’t overanswer. If it’s a long story, then say you’ll tell them on the date.

Reciprocating Energy - Flirting is a delicate dance, be too forward and you’ll scare them away. Pull back if you want to draw them in. Know when to end the dance when the conversation naturally dries and how to revive the chats on the next day. Don’t just let the taps run following, keep control of the flow of energy aka how interested you are.

Asking too late - You’ve lost momentum in the conversation. Once the flame dies it, it’s hard to revive the chat, so strike while the iron is hot. It’s hard to say a strict number of days or messages, but a rule of them is to feel their energy. If they’re expressly interested off the bat, then don’t wait.

Asking too soon - The conversation is a test, so if you try to skip it and go straight for scheduling - that will turn people off. You can recover from this, so not a fatal mistake.

Not asking - You don’t get what you don’t ask for.

I matched with someone and they never responded to me. Why?

Because they’re probably not that interested. I encourage just moving on immediately, but if you want to double message, you can. If their interest level is so low that they’ll only respond when you “beg” via double or triple message, you should just save your energy instead of climbing the steep uphill.

I matched with someone who I already asked a question in my like and they didn’t respond, they just ‘started the chat’. What should I do?

They’re interested, but now interested enough in that particular topic or they’re asking you to show more effort. If you’re chasing an attractive female, then it’s worth the effort because that’s what they expect.

I was chatting with someone and they just stopped responding. What happened?

They lost interest. See above, again. You may have lost them due to one of the reasons listed in the ‘I’m getting matches but not dates’.

Roses Roses Roses

Roses are stupid, monetize the concept of ‘leagues’ for Hinge, and create a weird power dynamic between users. Most people will think you’re trying too hard by giving out roses. I genuinely think everyone should boycott roses, superlikes, and standouts.

Do ‘leagues’ even exist?

I think they do. Let’s be honest, most people tend to date others at a similar level of attractiveness and class level.

Should I just send a like, or should I add a comment, too?

Ideally, it’s effortless for you to comment on their profile because there’s something that caught your eye. It should be instinct to react to their physical appearance or personality. Whatever comes to mind first is the most organic way to start the conversation.

Sometimes nothing comes to mind, so it’s fine to just send a like. But the chances are the perfect opening line won’t magically come to mind after matching.

Ultimately it depends on if you’re chasing or being chased. If you’re an attractive female getting lots of attention, then obviously you’re not sending opening messages first.

How long should I wait to respond to someone’s message?

If you’re interested, I wouldn’t wait more than a day. You can respond immediately or wait a few hours. Ultimately it won’t make a big difference unless you’re leaning to one extreme.

I feel like I’m addicted to the app. What should I do?

The first step is recognizing it. The second is making changes. Remember, these apps are designed to keep you swiping and checking throughout the day with the anticipation of new matches and messages. A good rule of thumb is to turn off notifications and check at max 3 times a day.

I have too many matches! How do I handle that?

You should pause your profile if you’re overwhelmed. Figure out how many active matches is a good place for you and try to keep yourself there. At some point, if you have too many, you’ll stretch yourself thin. If you have too many active conversations, don’t be afraid to let some die and/or unmatch and focus on a few.

I’m matched with or dating someone, they went out of town, and things fizzled. Why?

This just happens. Poor timing is a killer of relationships. If possible, try to keep the connection alive through video calls. Otherwise, just pause and reconnect when they’re back.

I saw a coworker/neighbor/friend on the app. Should I send a like?

Do it - if it’s genuine. If you already have rapport with them in real life, it’s best to ask them out directly instead of hiding behind the app. If you don’t have their contact, then proceed on the app.

I have a first date scheduled. Should I keep texting?

Ideally, you’ll be texting regularly so it’s part of the natural conversation. If you haven’t been chatty, then make sure to check in and re-confirm the date multiple times, typically the day before and day of.

I went on a great first date but then didn’t get [asked for] a second. Why?

You can have a pleasant date, but feel the connection is not worth moving forward. Try to conclude the date with a conversation about where things stand - either A) great date, let’s do that again B) nice to meet you, wish you all the best

I had a first date but they canceled. Should I reschedule?

No. They canceled, they should reschedule. I give people one flake in the first few dates but any more and I’m out. Remember, your time is just as valuable as theirs.

I got ghosted. What happened?

You probably did not do anything wrong. Somewhere along the way this person realized they didn’t want to keep seeing you and decided not to communicate that to you. Unfortunately, that sucks. But it also tells you they’re probably not the kind of person you want to keep seeing anyways.

I feel like the person I’m dating is losing interest. Messages are shorter, less engaging, less frequent, etc.

I’m sorry, but they probably are. If you have a connection worth saving, then express how you feel. Tell them how their behavior is making you feel. If you think it’s a hopeless cause (before you’ve met in person), just stop responding and giving your energy.

Speaking of busy… I’m trying to plan things with someone, but they always seem to be busy. Are they really busy?

Probably not. People will always make time for you if they’re really interested. “Busy” is often code for “not that interested”. If you’ve been trying for over a week or more than once or twice, just put the ball in their court. Most times you’re not going to hear anything and it’ll fizzle out, but at least you’re empowering yourself to make them make the decision instead of just leading you on.

The person I’m dating updated their profile. Why? What should I do?

If you have been on less than 3-5 dates, this is normal. Relax and take things one date at a time if things are going well.

If you have been on more than 3-5 dates, this is still pretty normal, but you might want to think about when you want to talk to them about exclusively dating if that is something that YOU want.

Dating is really hard and I’m getting bummed. What should I do?

Dating should be fun. If you’re taking it too seriously, people will feel that intense energy and lose attraction. The conversation should be lighthearted and make you smile at your phone. First take a break and reevaluate your strategy. Don’t keep doing the same thing and becoming frustrated at the result. If you want more likes or better quality matches, then improve your profile and appearances. If you want to convert matches to dates, then learn how to flirt and be interesting to talk to. If you don’t know where to begin, then talk to me. I’ll guide you every step of the way.